In our last post, we began a discussion about the important role that grandparents play in the lives of their adult children and their grandchildren. Sadly, grandparents may be suddenly cut out of their grandchildren's lives when their own children go through a bitter or contentious divorce.
Since there is not often a legal remedy to protect the grandparent-grandchild relationship, the actions and attitudes of grandparents are very important during and after their child's divorce.
In our last post, we shared tips from psychologist and family therapist Marie Hartwell-Walker on important things grandparents can do to help ensure future contact with their grandkids. These included maintaining regular routines and consistent contact during the divorce, as well as positioning yourself as a neutral party offering support to everyone.
Next, Hartwell-Walker warns grandparents about two behaviors to avoid: giving advice and escalating the conflict. It is important to be a good listener during this difficult time, but giving advice could come back to haunt you. Because you are not directly involved in your adult child's relationship to his or her spouse, you may not know all the details involved. Furthermore, you could get blamed or resented later if the advice you offered didn't result in a successful outcome.
As hard as it may be to avoid giving advice, it could be even harder to avoid escalating the conflict by criticizing the actions of either parent. However, it is crucial to keep these opinions to yourself, Hartwell-Walker says. Let your child or the other spouse vent if they want to, but if you join in it could just make things more acrimonious. Plus, you don't know how custody will ultimately be decided. And if you criticize one parent, they may not want you around the kids when the divorce is finalized.
Hartwell-Walker concludes with the caveat that if you are aware of domestic violence, verbal abuse or sexual abuse, you do have a right and responsibility to intervene. This is true regardless of which family member is the perpetrator and which the victims.
However, absent that scenario, grandparents can best serve their families and their own future interests by staying above the fray. Being neutral and supportive of everyone may be the best way to help the divorce be more peaceful and to make sure you remain a valued member of the family when all is said and done.
Source: Huffington Post, "Grandparenting Well When Adult Children Divorce," Marie Hartwell-Walker, Aug. 20, 2012
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